the loss of you

I don’t have much time to write these days with a newborn, but I’m writing at Glow today. Missing Joseph as I raise our little girl, but the ache isn’t as sharp as I’d feared. Margot’s presence in our lives fills up so much of the space that hurt has occupied for 16 months.


Dear Joseph,

You are a big brother!

Your sister Margot is here. She arrived on Sunday, April 6, with her own story. But this is not the place for her story. This is yours.

I tell her about you in the night. I whisper to her about her brother. How he will always be a baby, because he isn’t here with us.

You aren’t here with us.

There was a moment during your sister’s labor when this settled into me with a heavy grief. I wanted to give birth to you again, give you another chance. I want both my babies, I wailed, and your mother and I wrapped our arms around each other and cried and cried.

She looks like you. There is a face she makes, after nursing, her little chin set back and her face completely relaxed. It’s remarkable, your grandpa says, how much she resembles your portrait. You look like siblings

Well, now we know the artist got something right.

She has beautiful dark hair like you. And your mouth.

Your mother takes a picture of her against my chest, your name on my necklace next to her face and mine, and my heart.

I miss you.



© Burning Eye