The Loss of You

You as a big brother.

Explaining to you that my growing belly means you’ll have a little brother or sister someday soon. That ease, the assumption that our future is certain. “There’s a baby in there,” we’d say, patting the taut skin. You, believing the impossibility of this miracle, putting your tiny palm flat until the baby kicks and you giggle, or yelp in surprise, or kiss my skin and the baby underneath.

Peering into my belly button as my belly swells to check on the new baby. “No, it’s ready yet,” you might announce, like your cousin S did, as if checking on a cake in the oven.

Your mother bringing you to the hospital to meet your baby brother or sister. Wild-eyed, excited, disoriented, a little scared. Not knowing how much your life is about to change.

 

© Burning Eye

 

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2 thoughts on “The Loss of You

  1. Jo-Anne says:

    How I resonate with this, on so many levels. It brings those silent tears to my eyes and there I am, picturing my months with Brady and Zia. He would say “Hello Baby” and kiss my tummy, he used to rub my tummy, lift my top up to see in the most inappropriate of locations, oh how I dream about those days again.

    You deserve to have that as Brady deserves to have his sister, the sister he waited eight months for, the sister he still misses and talks about and thinks will someday come home “when mum gets better”. Oh how I wish I would get better like that, better enough that she could somehow return to me.

    Its a deep dark place this, a place of sadness. I cannot even imagine gong there, where you so bravely are, after your loss. I was in a different world then, I could get Brady involved because I didnt exect my baby to die. I didnt think that was even possible. I am so sorry that you have to go through this, especially when this is a good time, a happy time, a growing, living time, for you and that beautiful baby within you.

  2. Oh, yes, this is a big, big loss. The time when I was pregnant with A and E was so excited to be a big sister was one of the most beautiful times of my life. I wish you and Joseph had this.

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